A new online home (:

I moved!

http://yellowcurtainsandarainbowonthewall.wordpress.com/

让我们红尘作伴过得潇潇洒洒

I haven’t been writing as much as I used to do because I trust the writer and the readers less now; that is me and that is you. My brand of happiness is qualified. But to me qualification adds depth; it makes happiness more real and honest. It gives it dimension; so I feel like I live in the happiness. My brand of sadness is likewise qualified. Because even at my saddest and darkest, I believe I am in it because I believe in life and am working on mine. So to some extent, my sadness isn’t that sad. But sometimes these mean I don’t know whether I am happy or sad.

Last weekend, I did my first half marathon. To Mr JC, to whom I give my first time of signing up of signing up for a race with a friend for “fun”, thank you for the great experience, from you haggling and nagging at me to get myself registered, to our failed attempt to train together for it, to crashing in your guest room the night before and accidentally setting off the alarm and waking your WHOLE family up at 330am BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO TELL ME ABOUT IT, to running together for the first 7km, to free rides everywhere, to many many other things, and to friendship most of all. 

Personally, the race was great too. It was one of the few times I stood at the starting line not knowing what I wanted. As I started, I thought, let’s make our way through the 6km to east coast and I am sure they provide transport back to people who can’t/don’t want to run back. But in the end, I dug into myself to find motivations to run, that included many frivolous things(Like, the girl in front of me is prettier so lets catch her. If you look worse, as least be faster!) but really centred on the simple notion that whatever I was doing I wanted to do and be my best.

But that simple notion isn’t that easy to implement in more dynamic circumstances, like life. I love my sport in part because it brings out the best in me and in it I love myself and I love life. I wish I could always be as sure, strong, and empowered as I am when I plant one leg forward after another.

tweeety twitty.

I have to say. Despite hearing “twitter” everywhere, I didn’t know what it was until 2 weeks ago in a random encounter (with an aritcle in a magazine). I still haven’t jumped onto the bandwagon, because between facebook and my blog, I have enough avenue for expression, communication and narcisism. But if I twitted, I might have written these:

I watched GI:Joe  yesterday and loved it. But since i tend to like crap movies(twilight anybody?) I don’t know what that says.  And the nonsensical Josh (Lam) likes it too. But I’ll say, the leads are cute!

Thank you Josh for the very sweet lozenges yestetday.

Thank you to all for your well wishes and concern over the past week.

Zy is grateful to her body for  healing fast. And wishes her bike has the same gift of regeneration too so that maybe, she doesn’t have to spend 4000 dollars replacing the one she just wrecked.

I ran my first half marathon yesterday by mistake; because I missed a turn and got lost! It felt like a jog in the park while I was at it(and it was since I was running in east coast park) but when I woke up this morning, my legs were ouch.

I had great reflections and sparks of inspiration yesterday. But the word limit of twitter doesn’t allow me to share them.

she threw positivity out of the window

I am supposed to be immune to pain. But I am not. Each time I move and try to straighten my knees or shrug my shoulders or each time my world spins and I get nauseous the way it does about 5 min out of every 60, I feel like screaming and crying. I do the later whenever I am alone. Yes, I am weak. What the fuck. Yes I just cursed. What the heck.

I am supposed to be positive. Silver lining in everything, no? Well, no. I don’t mean, no I am not supposed to be; but no, I am not (positive). I feel pathetic. In the preceeding three days, I was in NUH a good deal, blowing a lot of money and time getting this and that checked, with my mum beside me. At 23, the money I am blowing wasn’t earned by me. At 23, I still rely on the love and support of my parents because there is no one around who would love me, because I am me; the magical thing about parental love is that it is instinctive and unconditional, but consequently the loved feels pathetic and not that love-able. As an athlete, once again I bumped myself against a wall, because I am screwed up old me. Once again, I am here, fat, unfit and disabled. It brings me back to those times, when I seemed to be injured more than half the time, when I wondered maybe this is just me and what I am capable of. And yes, maybe.

I have a hall room to organise and prepare, I have a bike I need to get serviced, I have got to prepare for a tough academic semester ahead, I have got a dream to chase. But here I am, useless and pathetic. And with the end of this post, negativity shall be added to the list. And in a few days, I will bankrupt myself sorting out the mess in jj’s room I created. What a bane I am.

Ok lighter notes, let’s try to have a go at those. Conversation with Al:

Al: Its a good thing you didn’t go to Australia. Can you imagine how much these(medical costs) will cost there?
Me: No, if I was there I could claim travel insurance, so it’ll be free. AND, I might pick up a cute Aussie doctor
(I have a list of to date once in my life people. Quite high on the list is 1) a doctor and 2) an angmoh; Al calls me a SPG for the latter.)
Al: In your state now? (Read: Do you know how ugly you look now with the wound on your face?)

more than the vicissitudes of life

Yes, you say the risk is too small, but if anything were to happen, there will never be another Lin Zhiyun to your parents who spent so much effort and heart bringing you up.

You can go and have fun, but can you imagine how worried we will be over the next ten days. Can you not go for us, if not for yourself?

You can’t just think of yourself and say I’ll just take the risk. You owe your life to the many people you can make a difference to in the future. And by now you should know you are able and know how much you have to give.

On top of these, there were the tears that flowed from his eyes that didn’t talk but spoke.

So although I’m not sure if my parents are overreacting and I feel really horrible hearing Rachel’s dissappointed voice, here I am, all glued to Singapore. For the people who love me the most and whom I owe so much to I can never repay.

Explanatory notes : I crashed at Desaru on Sunday and hurt my head(and a significant portion of the rest of my body for that matter). The doctor said no flying in the next 24hours because of the direct hit on my head meant we had to observe how I felt over the next day and they wouldn’t be medical help on the plane(My legal training tells me that wasn’t strictly necessary and she just had to say that to avoid liability in the event that something went wrong). I would have flown nevertheless but my mum knew me too well and came down to hall to capture me home. I wanted to book another flight tomorrow but parental objection coupled with nauseous bouts and a jarring headache that comes with slight movement and a minor case of blacking out on my run, says no.

I am in a serious case of a lot of pain, but nothing beats Rach’s dissappointment, and my dissappointment with myself once again.

Got lots to say, but later I guess.

the untrustworthy one

Yes, candidness and honesty are valuable, as is forgiveness.

I was thinking about how I’d keep quiet and then sulk and brood the next time I saw you, and for that matter the next time, then the next next time, and then decided it didn’t make sense.

Plus, hope you can understand I’m damn sensitive.

PEACE(:

想要活得仔细，却不想太刻意

At midnight, there were many things on my mind and I couldn’t sleep no matter how I tried. Or maybe I just didn’t try hard enough. So I went for a jog at west coast. The experience was much like the others I have had before, but it has been so long I kind of forgot. I ran past couples lovey-dovey-ing. I laughed at their slightly embarassed faces as they watched my intruding eyes cruise past them but I was probably envious of them too. I ran into a cat in the middle of the pavement and jumped. A while I later, I saw a rat in the grass patch right adjacent to me, picked up speed just to realise it was running in a parallel path and constantly beside me, and traumatised for that instant. In both the cat and rat incidences, I laughed at myself shortly after. There was a family of 5, lying on the rocks right beside the sea; they had nothing with them, no tents, comfortable floor mats, just a cup of slurpee, a pack of chips, and a lot of love and happiness; I took it as a revision on what happiness means. Running along, the slight melancholy, the day dreaming as to the future, the uplift, the fatigue that hit me about 40min into the run (a fatigue that says “i’m three quarters asleep so why the hell did you drag me out”) but being happy you brought yourself there all the same; all these made me wonder if however I tried, I was still at the same place and I am essentially still the same. Midnight west coast jogs are always bittersweet; because there is usually a reason why I am up at that time, the reasons usually sad. But all the same, I missed you, west coast at midnight.

Slaps in the face in public are painful but I am growing to like them. They are embarassing and say something bad about you for one, and you get judged for it. More importantly, the reason behind the slap, particularly if there was some truth in it, stings. Last but perhaps not least, you can’t help but feel slightly affronted by how a friend would hurt you or would be insensitive to how it would. But I relish it increasingly somehow. It makes me feel relieved, not having to worry I am pretending to be mroe than what and who I am. The sting pushes and forces me to try harder and move forward. And, in the aftermath of incidents like that, you always discover that few people who moight or might not agree with the slapper but would stay right where they are-beside you with their hands on their shoulders- because to them, you are you. As to my sentiments towards my slappers, I typed it out and published it for a while, but am taking it back because I don’t want to do what exactly what that I disagreed with; I’ll raise it in private, when we both have the heart to forgive and forget.

I’ve got a lot of things to do before I leave for Malaysia on Fri morning and then for Australia on Sun night. And that leaves me with slightly over a day. But my efficiency is near zero now. I hate it when I let life trickle away like that.

My new philosophy is try my best and make sure that is very hard(the trying), but live and let live with myself. That not everything has to be rationalised, that it is ok to be incorect. There is a precarious balance because you risk self-indulgence where you shouldn’t; but it is painful living hating yourself too much, and it just doesn’t make much sense when it comes to the point when you waste time and life away because you’re spending them hating yourself, especially on the points that you can’t change, at least as yet or for now.

a day in the studyroom with josh the mad(med) cap; i submit he is more mad than med

I would really LOVE to clean up my room so that my last days in hall will be more pleasant and we leave each other with the best memories. But I quote Marcus, “But.. but.. your room is uncleanable!”.

Last paper tomorrow. Looking forward to it and of course, the end of it!

“the world is your oyster, don’t be afraid to go diving for pearls.”

Yesterday was a horrible day. Zy shall not make today a horrible one too. Boo. 

Don’t waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour’s duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Disclaimer: What is to come is just my own very uninformed and one dimensional 2 cents worth.